It has been a rough couple of day,weeks,months years. You have forever followed me like a shadow, and oh! Your still here. We have made it this far. I am proud of us. We did not commit suicide or give up on life amidst all the pain and frustration life has gifted us with. But I however don’t understand how you are still here and stronger with each blow life gives me. Don’t you get tired or have another victim to torment? You have to give yourself credit for the resiliency.
I know how it feels to struggle but the hardest of them all is when you know that your struggling with yourself. Its hard to fight with yourself, but I sincerely understand why you chose me. After all the things I have dealt with; memories of my childhood haunt me, my teenage decisions choke me while the future is so unscathed I am so freaked out I could sh#$t my pants. But the funny thing is…I don’t hate you I am just disappointed in your choice of victim.
Depression do you remember those days I was afraid of mornings?? The whole idea of a new day shook me to the very existence of my roots. Each dawning day felt harder and harsher than the previous one. It was like the burden grew heavier every other day. I felt like I was playing the surviving game with you and you were clearly winning.
Do you remember what if felt like falling to rock bottom with boulders tied to my feet. Oh! Wait you can’t… You were the tormentor (rolls eyes in Spanish). I remember being between a rock and an even harder place. My heat was clouded and full of scary thoughts and horrific dreams that just couldn’t go away. My heart was colder than ice darker than coal and a fortress of piles and piles of unspoken emotions.
It was like I was alive but actually not living. I was on free fall with uncertainties of where I would land. But when I fell I was numb. Nothing mattered, I didn’t care and I thought everybody else did not too. You see that feeling of NUMBNESS it was the pain was too much it turned to indifference. I felt useless, like nobody would care if I disappeared from the face of the earth.
Talking to friends was worthless, because it felt like they would not understand. Besides they all had this flowery rainbow-filled lives that were trouble free. You fear being judged. You keep it all to yourself your heart breaking piece by piece every day. I ended up detaching from society and nothing looked interesting and at this point I was a dysfunctional member of society. I was hallow inside and karma was the closest thing I had to luck.
I started blaming myself for the mistakes I had done, and even for the wrong choices by everybody around me that had turned me into this psycho. My life was tumbling all round me and I felt something above hopeless. Guilt of things I had not done and those I had done gnawed on my skin ripping me apart. I wanted to run but I was trapped.
But depression, do you know what pisses me the most?? Your perfect timing. Just when I think I am on a roll, when I feel like I got something going for me, I am rebuilding the walls around me…you show up un-invited. And do you know what happens next? I mess up everything again and its back to where we began ZERO. Sometimes its even worse that the time before because I am somewhere on the negative scale . One step forward is ten thousand behind with you holding my hand.
It killed me every time I had no power over you. Talking to myself did not work, because the place you put me in was beyond the seven stages of hell’s abyss. I couldn’t crawl my way out. My screams went unheard and at this point suicide thoughts were shouting the loudest and seemed like the most sane thing to do.
You picked the wrong the victim however, because every time you tried to drawn me, I learnt how to breath underwater. It took.me quite some while, but I learnt how to shake you off. I might have scars and tattoos as a reminder of the darkest of days…but that’s alright they all tell a story of courage it took to stand up to you. DEPRESSION YOU ARE A BULLY.
I know asking you to leave is hard but I need to inform you that I have risen over you. I have learnt to be positive. I have learnt that everybody makes mistakes some worse than mine, everybody struggles with their own demons and nobody is perfect. I have accepted the fact that we were one at some point but now I am the big bad wolf…HA!HA! KIDDING… I am just a girl who has broken your chains of bondage and guess what…
It was heartbreaking while it lasted.