SCARRED BEAUTY

She had never been a bad person in her life, but she was many other things that many people never bothered to know. All she wanted was to be beautiful in his eyes, she was insecure. She  always went unnoticed and with each day, she craved for his attention. Every night her pillow was something short of a sea of tears. She cried herself to sleep. He was not the right man for her but she never realised it but it was always on her face and her naivety didn’t realise that it was time to leave that situation. She deserved better but her woman nature lied to her and her heart deceived her that love persevered and that there would be a brighter day. Hers was simply and act of passion and anger rolled in one…

***

Love, sweet love: how best to express that complex tangle of emotions? What’s the enticing thing to say when someone catches your eye—or to make things better when the course of true love isn’t running smoothly? She loved him with every muscle and energy in her body but the feeling seemed not mutual. She did anything and everything a woman of her of her calibre state and her class could have done to keep him satisfied but man…man will always be a man. Man is made of flesh and the flesh is weak. He had another and several others.

That night…that night that changed her life was no different from all the others. Just like the proper wife she was, she made dinner had a showered waited for him to come home. He always came late, but she was patient enough to wait. This night was no different. She waited and waited and waited…She fell half asleep half conscious because she wanted to pick his coat and shoes as soon as he entered the house. She wanted to be there to  hug him after a long day of work.

All she can remember was a bang on the door. He was drunk. He was making so much noise his voice bearly coherent enough to understand what or who had made him angry. As  she opened the door wishfully thinking it would be any different from the other days. “was it worth it”,she asked “to love someone to reveal on the nose how you feel” yet get a cold shoulder in return.”what’s it worth to love someone to conceal precisely how it felt yet receive ignorance for feedback”. All this went through her mind as he hit her on and on. She tried to scream but he clobbered her and muffled her mouth at the same time.

It felt like he had the strength of two giants laying there on the floor. She was sure she was going to die. She was ready to go as long as the hand of her murderer was the man she loved. But no he did not kill her. He took a seat like nothing had happened and he started eating the meal the woman he had just bruised and left helpless on the cold floor had cooked. He seemed heartless…what had this woman not done other than love him unconditionally despite every weakness, every imperfection and through every insult and manhandling she had gone through.

She sobbed silently…not because of the pain and hurt he had cause but she could not help but remeneisence the past. It was not so long ago bearly two years were gone…he would hold her in his arms and say how much she was the best thing in his life,and loosing her would kill him in the process. She could not forget of the countless nights she did not sleep thinking about him because he made her happy.The endless hours they spoke without a care that day break was coming. Their many escapades. The soubd of youth was nothing but delightful and painful. With him life was nothing but a road with several bumps that she was ready to cross over with him…life was such a pun then. The way he touched her not only filled her with ecstacy,but also made her feel worth more than the Solomon mines down South. He kissed her so softly like her lips would fade with every kiss. So gently,so delicately she would feel her worth and emotion. And that there,was the man she married. The man she wanted to spend her eternity with.

She was strong enough to handle all the body ache since she was sure it would end with a few rubs here and there,but the heart,her soul and every inch of her being was crushed to more than a million porcelein peices. She was not sure she could recover. She loved him so much she even hated herself for it. Her mind told her she needed to leave befor it was too late. The sane mind told her she needed to leave before she was pushed beyond her breaking point and she would have nothing to return to.She would have walked away rebuilt her life and found happines in another place. She had the chance to give heraelf a second chance at love ith another man and love herself more…but the gag is…the heart wants what it wants

She picked her feeble body from the floor  wiped off hee taers and sat next to him and watched him eat everything she had cooked like he was the only person in that house. In her mind she was happy that atleast he appreciated her cooking. It atleast made hin happy. His phone rang and he proudly took it. It was another woman on the other side. She said of how much she had missed him. Sge spoke of how much she wabted him to touch her love her kiss her in all the right places. She wanted to.lay in his arms all night. She said she missed their childish adventures and with no guilt whatsoever in his voice with no shame whatsoever on his face, he told her of much she missed the way she held him kissed him and touched him in the most sensual ways. He called her a goddess, a princess and the best thing that had happened in his life, while all those things and even more was sitting beside him. The one who was meant to reign his life…the one he was meant to commit to was sitted right there.

She was angry and agitated. She could stand him no more. She wanted to bit the arrogance,ego and pride out of him. She rose and slapped the guts out of him. He dropped the phone and pushed to the floor pinning her there. He had a knife in his hand. The pen knife he kept on him to defend himself  from thugs and the men of darkness , he used to puncture holes into her severally. She could take it no more. She summoned all te courage she had and pushed him off her and grabbed the knife.He was strong but she had the will to live past the torture she had gone through the two years of their marriage.

It is at that point as she continuously stabbed him that she realised she had to love herself more and that this so-called incident would not change give whatever circumstances. She wanted to stop, but she felt satisfaction with every incision she made on his body. It  felt like all the bottled up anger, frustration and anxiety was leaving her body. She was avenging for all the pain he had cost her. With this as her stepping stone and palaver, she stubbed on…twenty-one times until he died.

***

As she was being crowned as the BEAUTY BEHIND BARS as the papers would  read the next day, she felt happy and at peace with herself. The crown of desperation, self-hate, self-pity shame and victimisation seemed to leave her body. She had forgiven herself for killing a man she had loved so dearly, and with this crown on her head she felt worth more…so much more. The crown to her was not only a symbol of beauty and grace but also, that of second chances and freedom from herself and her previous mistakes. She was in jail away from the outside world, but she was free. That is all that mattered to her.

 

 

 

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